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Foreign Love - Mixed Marriages
2005-05-04
[Theechomagazine.com]
 She is Japanese; he is from Bali. Their eyes met on an Ubud street, as the Ramayana dance was about to perform in the Ubud Palace compound. The connection continued for some moments until she broke the spell. "I thought he was just another local boy looking for a female tourist to spend the day with." He stood next to her during the entire performance until they were introduced properly. In the days that followed a new love story gradually found its first chapter. As romantic as it all seems, it still took them a year to decide to marry and prepare for their wedding. They have since lived a family life for a good twelve years in one corner of Ubud, with two children and one small Japanese restaurant.
It started on the runway of Sydney airport, when the airbus was about set off on a journey to Bali. Nothing happened; although it was their eyes that locked silently. "We bumped into each other again in a café in Nusa Dua, about a week later," he said. A second opportunity is indeed rare, and the chemistry of the day helped them to initially start chatting. The relationship gradually continued with two weeks of traveling the island, more chats about life, about novels and favorite recipes (coincidentally they were both food and beverage graduates). After the holiday was over, they continued the relationship with huge piles of letters crossing the ocean (in the days before sms), another visit to Bali another visit to Bondi. None of their friends were surprised when they eventually married in Sydney about eight years ago. "I have become fat as we are both such good cooks," he said. They have chosen to settle in Australia with their two children. She is a white Australian; he is a Javanese. Both are now plump: supposedly a sign of happiness.
Cupid has many more stories in regards to love and Bali, the classic, the cliché and the unbelievable. The happy and the sad, the inspiring and the tiring: some stories even read like a fairy tale with the inevitable happy ending.
Visitors from all corners of the world come to spend their holiday on Bali, the precious island whose nickname compares to Adam and Eve's garden - paradise. Some people become so enchanted that they decide to begin a new life in Bali, setting up a business or just a house, surrounded by rice paddies with the sound of crickets, or by a bar with cheap beer. Others follow a more risky path: they fall in love and get married to the native of the 'island of gods', leaving behind the culture and style of their motherland.
One of the most famous, most beautiful, love stories in Bali happened during the 1930s, when a painter cum aristocrat, Adrien Le Mayeur de Merpres married Ni Polok. The stunning young dancing maiden initially modeled for the Belgian's artworks, before the door of his heart opened and fell hopelessly in love. Their wedding and married life fulfilled the dream of romantic Bali, immortalizing the story of a relationship between the native and the foreigner. The story was even perfected after Adrien Le Mayeur de Merpres passed away. Ni Polok never remarried and lived surrounded by her late husband's paintings. She later opened a Le Mayeur museum in Sanur.
Another story of romance happened in Ubud between Don Antonio Blanco and Ni Ronji. It was a similar combination between a beautiful maiden, who was both dancer and model, with her aristocratic European painter; who lived a happy life "until death tore them apart". Inspired by this 'east meets west' union, a Jakartan film company recreated the love story of Blanco-Ronji in a locally produced movie.
The Antonio-Ronji and Adrien-Polok love stories have ignited the romantic expectations of being in Bali and married to a Balinese (or married to a foreigner). The trend of mixed marriages has also spread further a field to Jakarta where many rising stars in the entertainment industry are wed to members of the business executive expatriate community.
Bali and Jakarta are not alone. With different levels of exoticism, mixed marriage has become a global phenomenon. The culture of mixed blood is now a global culture. Who needs a 'pure bred pure blood culture' in this hyper modern world? Everything is mixed up in the endless search for perfection. Picasso invites African Art, Henri Matisse Asian textiles, not to mention DeBussy's music or Herbie Hancock's piano. My colleagues wear Italian shoes and local jeans, drink Australian wine and drive Japanese cars. I even like to spend my evenings drinking local beer with Mexican food. It's a mixed up world that we live in.
Image can create prejudices, and prejudice towards people of a different culture is somewhat normal, even within married life. For a local partner, for instance, the most popular image of a foreigner is 'wealth', not in a cultural sense, but financial. "Material expectation often exists within mixed marriages," says Pino Confessa, Italian consul and friend of many Balinese artists. Marrying someone wealthier is a kind of expectation which has been promoted by Hollywood, TV plays and traditional theatre such as the tale of Cinderella or Julia Robert's 'Pretty Woman'.
"I thought he was rich when we first met each other," Ryani (28) said. She saved all her money, prepared a wedding gown and headed to Manchester where she thought she would surprise her loved one. "Our first encounter was over the internet. He said he was a Hotel Executive." Ryani was working as an Assistant Manager of a three star hotel at the time. They fell in love and exchanged emails on a regular basis. As the relationship intensified they started talking about marriage. It was only the timing that had yet to be finalized. Ryani arrived in Manchester to surprise him, but she was the one who ended up with a shock. "He was living in a slum, his house was even worse than my house." I heard that they still exchange emails, although his lies somewhat dampened the passion of their relationship. Life is sometimes more absurd than a b-rated television drama.
"They treat woman so much better that local men," said Astri, a Javanese who was once married to a Dutch businessman in Sanur, upon commenting on western men. But even so, her marriage only lasted five years. "We just couldn't solve certain problems, but I would have to say that I generally enjoyed a beautiful life with him."
Indeed, expectation is merely not adequate enough for marital relations to last. You meet the same person everyday; you are challenged with cultural misunderstanding every second. "It is almost impossible to leave behind our mother culture," said Pino Confessa. Pino, married for many years to a Balinese woman, sings the sound of his experience. "We have different cultural backgrounds and different knowledge. Without the will to understand each other, any kind of marriage will not last long."
Personal differences or cultural problems is one aspect, the other is social difference. In Indonesia, if you are ready to marry, you must also be prepared to convert your religion (if they happen to differ). For in this country, according to the law, "a marriage is legitimate if it has been performed in accordance to the laws of the respective religious beliefs of the parties concerned."
| Cupid has many more stories in regards to love and Bali, the classic, the cliché and the unbelievable. The happy and the sad, the inspiring and the tiring: some stories even read like a fairy tale with the inevitable happy ending.
Visitors from all corners of the world come to spend their holiday on Bali, the precious island whose nickname compares to Adam and Eve's garden - paradise. Some people become so enchanted that they decide to begin a new life in Bali, setting up a business or just a house, surrounded by rice paddies with the sound of crickets, or by a bar with cheap beer. Others follow a more risky path: they fall in love and get married to the native of the 'island of gods', leaving behind the culture and style of their motherland.
One of the most famous, most beautiful, love stories in Bali happened during the 1930s, when a painter cum aristocrat, Adrien Le Mayeur de Merpres married Ni Polok. The stunning young dancing maiden initially modeled for the Belgian's artworks, before the door of his heart opened and fell hopelessly in love. Their wedding and married life fulfilled the dream of romantic Bali, immortalizing the story of a relationship between the native and the foreigner. The story was even perfected after Adrien Le Mayeur de Merpres passed away. Ni Polok never remarried and lived surrounded by her late husband's paintings. She later opened a Le Mayeur museum in Sanur.
Another story of romance happened in Ubud between Don Antonio Blanco and Ni Ronji. It was a similar combination between a beautiful maiden, who was both dancer and model, with her aristocratic European painter; who lived a happy life "until death tore them apart". Inspired by this 'east meets west' union, a Jakartan film company recreated the love story of Blanco-Ronji in a locally produced movie.
The Antonio-Ronji and Adrien-Polok love stories have ignited the romantic expectations of being in Bali and married to a Balinese (or married to a foreigner). The trend of mixed marriages has also spread further a field to Jakarta where many rising stars in the entertainment industry are wed to members of the business executive expatriate community.
| Bali and Jakarta are not alone. With different levels of exoticism, mixed marriage has become a global phenomenon. The culture of mixed blood is now a global culture. Who needs a 'pure bred pure blood culture' in this hyper modern world? Everything is mixed up in the endless search for perfection. Picasso invites African Art, Henri Matisse Asian textiles, not to mention DeBussy's music or Herbie Hancock's piano. My colleagues wear Italian shoes and local jeans, drink Australian wine and drive Japanese cars. I even like to spend my evenings drinking local beer with Mexican food. It's a mixed up world that we live in.
Image can create prejudices, and prejudice towards people of a different culture is somewhat normal, even within married life. For a local partner, for instance, the most popular image of a foreigner is 'wealth', not in a cultural sense, but financial. "Material expectation often exists within mixed marriages," says Pino Confessa, Italian consul and friend of many Balinese artists. Marrying someone wealthier is a kind of expectation which has been promoted by Hollywood, TV plays and traditional theatre such as the tale of Cinderella or Julia Robert's 'Pretty Woman'.
"I thought he was rich when we first met each other," Ryani (28) said. She saved all her money, prepared a wedding gown and headed to Manchester where she thought she would surprise her loved one. "Our first encounter was over the internet. He said he was a Hotel Executive." Ryani was working as an Assistant Manager of a three star hotel at the time. They fell in love and exchanged emails on a regular basis. As the relationship intensified they started talking about marriage. It was only the timing that had yet to be finalized. Ryani arrived in Manchester to surprise him, but she was the one who ended up with a shock. "He was living in a slum, his house was even worse than my house." I heard that they still exchange emails, although his lies somewhat dampened the passion of their relationship. Life is sometimes more absurd than a b-rated television drama.
"They treat woman so much better that local men," said Astri, a Javanese who was once married to a Dutch businessman in Sanur, upon commenting on western men. But even so, her marriage only lasted five years. "We just couldn't solve certain problems, but I would have to say that I generally enjoyed a beautiful life with him."
Indeed, expectation is merely not adequate enough for marital relations to last. You meet the same person everyday; you are challenged with cultural misunderstanding every second. "It is almost impossible to leave behind our mother culture," said Pino Confessa. Pino, married for many years to a Balinese woman, sings the sound of his experience. "We have different cultural backgrounds and different knowledge. Without the will to understand each other, any kind of marriage will not last long."
Personal differences or cultural problems is one aspect, the other is social difference. In Indonesia, if you are ready to marry, you must also be prepared to convert your religion (if they happen to differ). For in this country, according to the law, "a marriage is legitimate if it has been performed in accordance to the laws of the respective religious beliefs of the parties concerned."
Under such marriage law, all couples that marry in Indonesia must declare a religion, and that religion has to be officially accepted by the state. There are five official religions in Indonesia: Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism and Buddhism. Recognition to God and the Gods has to be in conjunction with any of the formal religions accepted by the state. Agnosticism or Atheism - are not recognized. There is no regulation whatsoever for heathens! You cannot register your marriage in the Indonesian Civil Registry Office under a letter of matrimony from, say, the Asian Voodoo Church. Religious formalism is a strongly embedded practice within the community. You simply have to deal with it. Marriage partners must be of the same religion; otherwise one partner must make a written declaration stating change of religion. Racially mixed, but religiously pure, is the dominant culture.
| This reality is, however, puts strong social pressures on the marriage from within the local community. This kind of pressure sometimes gives particular nuances for your relationship; especially if some Christian (or Islam or Hindu) evangelists knock your door regularly knocks on your door as to why you did not attend the last community prayer session. One possible answer is smile and hand over a generous donation.
Anyway, for practical consideration, it is not too complicated to declare that you are member of a religious group for the sake of love, is it?
If love is not enough to give up your religious belief for your marriage, you are still able to marry someone of a different religion by going outside the country. Indeed, the family of your loved one has to agree to such an arrangement. Call it 'Kawin Tamasya' or a traveling wedding, which ultimately makes you a wandering bride and groom. Some neighboring countries provide the proper regulations to enable cross religion couples to marry with ease. David and Ina, a Christian and a Moslem, followed this path as they wanted to maintain their respective faiths. "We married in Italy, took the time to honeymoon in Europe and then returned home for a celebratory party," says David. Not bad indeed. A wedding certificate is internationally legitimate.
There is a saying in Indonesia that when you marry a person you also marry the whole family. Many married couples live with their family long after the wedding day is over. This tradition often creates pressure from a cultural point of view. "Many westerners have been so individualized they can not stand to live with their in-law family after the wedding," says Pino Confessa.
Added to cultural misunderstanding, conflicts easily happen in the family compound. "Children ran and shouted, people talked loudly next to my bedroom while I was sleeping, they were so incredibly curious about everything I did, but I just didn't understand the language," says Jero Suryani (39), a Japanese woman who married a high caste Balinese. She inherited the title 'Jero' after the wedding. During her first years of marriage, she often cried alone in her room feeling homesick. "If I had a problem with one person, everyone asked about it. There was no privacy." It came to a point where she could not stand it any longer. It was as her whole life was on view and publicly exposed to the entire compound. Enough was enough. "I asked my husband to find a new house outside the family compound or else if would have to end in divorce." she said. He did want to lose her and they moved to a new house about two kilometers away from family. "It makes everything so much better. My husband's brothers and sisters sometimes come to our house; they bring me fruits from the family orchard." She is slowly growing closer to the family and they often talk about their problems. It was impossible in the family compound: the pressure was unbearable.
Some of us in this world have been raised by cultural, racial, religious prejudices. Leaders, television and newspapers of the world have repeatedly revealed that we are challenged to build a better understanding. In the frontline of this dream existence however, there are mixed couples, daring to personally experience possible misunderstandings, daring to personally struggle for better world.
I, the writer of this unfinished article, pass on good wishes to all the mixed couples and beg you to make this article perfect with your happy, beautiful and legendary marriage. Till you are torn apart by death. Congratulations!
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